Tuesday, December 16, 2008

This Sanctuary has Come Undone!

Crushed red pepper flakes, shards of glass, toothpicks... all just signs of the madness that was to come to my Sanctuary on Sunday morning.

McClaine wakes, screaming at 7:30 am. My sweet husband retrieves McClaine and his siblings, that he managed to wake, and takes them all to the playroom so I can continue to sleep. Caleb can do this, he has a supernatural ability to sleep on our horribly uncomfortable couch, with three children crawling on top of him and that dang "Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggety Dog" song blasting in the playroom. He has the safety gate up, I am sure, otherwise I would have been woken by more children than just Avery.

And she was so sweet and quiet when she came in, that I hardly woke from my sleep to nod incoherently, that she could heat up my corn bag in the microwave. People, I was nearly unconscious, that is the only reason why I gave my four year old daughter permission to put the sock filled with deer corn (that when microwaved for 2 minutes brings deep relief to my aching muscles) into the microwave. So I doze back to sleep, and Caleb continues to sleep through Little Einsteins.

12 minutes later I wake to the smoke alarm going off and what smelled like a movie theatre burning to the ground. I run out of the bedroom, frantic and disheveled, and find Caleb looking just as confused and dazed standing at the open microwave door wondering what in the heck exploded in our microwave. So he unplugs the microwave and I proceed to explain what I thought had happened.

8:20 am, we have a plan... I will take a quick shower and he will feed the kids breakfast so we can make it out the door to church on time. 8:28, I am out of the shower and hear Caleb yelling for me to help. Audrey's diaper had exploded, and apparently he needed assistance because he was making french toast and it was burning on the stove. French Toast, delicious, thoughtful and a HORRIBLE choice when you only have 35 minutes to get 5 people out the door. So I run into the kitchen in my towel, pull the pan off the stove top and pour three bowls of cereal while Caleb changes Audrey's diaper. Then I run back to my bathroom to dry my hair and put on my clothes.

Avery is screaming. Screaming. "Sit down, Audrey. You better sit down. Daaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddy, Audrey's standing up in her highchair. Daddy, Where are you?"

Great question. Where the heck are you and how hard is it to feed the kids three bowls of cereal? So I run again, hair half-dried, only in my undergarments into the kitchen to find...

AUDREY STANDING ON THE HIGHCHAIR TRAY! One foot dangling on the edge, clapping her hands at her proud accomplishment of escaping the straps, the tight tray and climbing on top of the slippery tray 4 feet above our tile floor. I grab the crazy toddler and proceed to run around the sanctuary looking for Caleb. I finally found him out in the back driveway and gave him the look of a crazy woman, "What are you doing?"

"I am trying to extinguish your corn bomb!"

Apparently, when Caleb closed the microwave, it continued to smolder, and smolder, and smolder. When he noticed that smoke continued to spill from the microwave, he took it out. Immediately the oxygen aroused fire, so he threw it out in the back driveway, where the winds caught the mild flames and it combusted into a huge corn bomb. All the while, Audrey is attempting new acrobatics over our tile floor.

9:17, all three children dressed, loaded in their car seats and the White Family leaves their little sanctuary, smelling like they barely escaped a popcorn volcano, to go worship the Lord at a more peaceful and fresher smelling sanctuary...

22 comments:

Auntie Momark said...

OH MY!!! That's some kind of morning! The corn strikes back!

Following Him said...

Oh my goodness..the White's strike again...what's next? Seriously! You could entertain people here :)
~Elyse~

vickypad said...

too funny , javier did a "doesn't the cat look cute" move on me last week as I was fixing breakfast (eggs) combing Gaby's hair with kitchen sink water, and helping Ben get dressed (in the kitchen) as we are running late to school.
you are hilarious, I visited with mrs. mccaleb today and she was telling me her stories of raising 4 boys. want to join the lets shave our hair facebook group? It would give us a good 6 more minutes in our day!

Katie W said...

Tyne, you are definitely one of those bloggers who could become famous by publishing their posts in book form. Despite the precariousness of Audrey's situation, I could not stop laughing at your depiction of her new independence and Avery's panic. I'm looking forward to hopefully having days like that myself!

Mona said...

I have 'cornbag addiction'. After reading your post--I'm thinking rehab.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

LOL that is one morning!
Isn't Sunday supposed to be a day of rest and worship ;)

MichelleWebb said...

I want to give you an award for most entertaining blog! You are hilarious - I wish I could have seen that scene in person! So did Caleb take the whole microwave outside or just the corn bag... and was there any permanent damage? Love ya!

Cassandra Raney said...

your children crack me up - ohhhhh my! you make me feel like my 'sanctuary' isn't so crazy! someone else who has crazy kids ;) but oh how you handle those moments so much better than i! you are my mommy hero. i probably would have just sent the kids and husband off to church so i could go back to sleep!!!

McKay said...

That is hilarious! Popcorn is tricky - Rob's flight room almost burned down when the popcorn machine caught on fire.

Chelle said...

Lol--what a morning!

I love your writing--you always suck me right in :)

Katrina said...

That is hilarious in a very stressful way.

Vashey Fam said...

Tyne you have such a way with words! I love when you well stories!

Krystyn said...

Well, I sure am glad to made it to church!

Whew! That was some 2 hours at your house...glad it didn't catch fire.

Cheryl Lage said...

What a wonderfully recounted morning! You will ALWAYS remember that Sabbath day! ;)

Thanks for the smile. :)

Carol said...

What a crazy couple of hours.

My husband has that skill of being able to sleep through kids TV and kids yelling immediately next to him. Unfortunately his extends to sleeping through babies crying in the night too.

LeeAnn said...

:0)

I do not want to laugh at your pain... but this morning has to make you laugh as you look back, right? too soon??

I love you and wish I could come play with you and the kids, someday???

happymommy3 said...

OMGoodness! I LOL! My son likes to climb up on to the tray of his highchair so he can reach the counter. Corn Bomb, that's funny. I hope your day got better.

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Oh dear! Has your sanctuary recovered from that smell?!?

Also, totally impressed you made it to church. That was quite a feat!

Auds at Barking Mad said...

There is absolutely nothing worse than popcorn bombs! NOTHING! And it takes a month of Sundays to get that smell out of the house. Brings a whole new meaning to "Children of the Corn" *lol*

Shannon said...

I am laughing hysterically at this. I can picture every bit of it in my imagination because even though I only have the 2 kids I know how this stuff happens. Sorry it all happened to you but thanks for a great laugh!

Jennifer said...

hahaha! Oh my! It's hard for me to make it to church as it is... much less with 3 or 4 kids and morning fires! Great job! I hope I can be as good as you are!

And thanks for the comments and opinions on my blog! Someone with as much experience as me, I'm sure can give me a lot of motherhood/pre-motherhood advice!

Ree Meyer said...

This made my day - best laugh I've had all week :) I'm glad your little one didn't get hurt in the melee! And I'd like to know why Sunday AMs have to be the craziest...