I laid still in the dark last night, masked my body in a slumber, so I didn't have to unearth my feelings. Those feelings that often lead to long conversations in whispers, tears and a fountain from my nose that requires inevitable trips to the bathroom to grab enough toilet paper to calm the emotional storm.
I sat down to write out my gratitude last night, and though I have soooo much to write, it was buried under those feelings that troubled me in that cozy bed. I couldn't get them out. I couldn't give thanks. I couldn't worship as I should. And this is not good for the soul, bitterness building hard callouses over a heart that is meant to worship and praise.
So I carefully spoke up in the silence, mindful to lay out my transgressions first so they wouldn't come back to bite me later in the conversation. A lack of joy in serving our family. A lack of respect for my husband who is a noble servant-leader of our family. Ingratitude, which leads to anxiety, not believing in God's faithful provision. And an insane jealousy for my husband's affection, which in my heart of hearts, felt it had been replaced by all sorts of sports. I longed for the attention to which he gave Monday Night Football, College Game Day, Sunday Afternoon Football, Fantasy Football, conversations with friends about Aggie Basketball, and late night texts about the Longhorns preposterous defeat of the Conhuskers.
His apology came quick, clearly saddened that his bride came second to anything but Christ. And the bitterness dissolved, and the worship of God returned to it's right place.
...0051- quiet conversations and mended hearts
...0052- defeating the enemy's lie to bury my feelings and build callouses
...0053- celebrating seven years of marriage to Caleb
...0053- sharing a God-given and sealed covenant with my best friend
...0054- his great sense of humor
...0055- his great communication skills
...0056- his desire to keep me second only to Christ
...0057- his spiritual leadership, humble service and moral compass which directs our family
...0058- his strong example of Fatherly love to our children
...0059- a house full of loved-ones to celebrate Audrey's two years
...0060- every bed in the house filled, Oma and Opa, Margaret and Josh, me and Caleb, Ryan and Beth, her brother, George, their dog Annie, Sage, Avery, McClaine, Audrey, Reecey
...0061- the sound of joy brimming over
...0062- the quiet that comes later
...0063- Bing Crosby's White Christmas and decorating the tree with homemade ornaments
...0064- a love for Christmas Carols that came only after I had children that dance to them
...0065- a new mantra for the week- "Establish my footsteps in Your word. And do not let any iniquity have dominion over me."
...0066- the quiet conviction yesterday at church that Christ alone is sufficient.
...0067- Oma's love for her grandchildren.
...0068- that love baked in Audrey's "Ella the Elephant" Cake
...0069- Audrey leading the festivities by starting out her own birthday song
...0070-watching my niece, Sage, thoroughly devour cake. A girl after her momma' heart (Aunt Beth is a great baker, too).
...0071- birthday tap shoes and dancing kids
...0072- loved ones leave, we spread out and Reece sleeps ALL night.
...0073- a dark morning in the word to start my day and week
...0074- "The unfolding of Your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple." Ps 119:130
...0075- a heart restored to gratitude.
If you haven't visited Ann's blog, can I please encourage you to do so by clicking on the button at the top of this post? I can assure you that her words will encourage and edify you.